On Fragile Hearts and Broken Spirits

Hey, friends.

It’s been a minute.

Actually, it’s been six weeks since I wrote my last newsletter, and even right now, as I type, I don’t quite know what I want to say. So, I can’t promise that this newsletter will contain some godly wisdom like the others.

I’ll just let the words flow and see where they take me. . . .

---

In the latter part of June, I suffered a loss that turned my whole world upside down. Thankfully, it wasn’t the death of a loved one, but it was nearly as painful.

Throughout the days that followed, I experienced grief so overwhelming that I couldn’t make sense of anything or motivate myself to commit to my responsibilities and daily routine.

I couldn’t bring myself to focus at work, read anything, or hold long conversations with my friends or family.

I also struggled to pray and read my Bible, mostly because I was angry at God for reasons I knew I would someday consider silly. But then, I was too consumed by pain and resentment to yield to Him at the time.

On July 2nd, I traveled to Owerri, the capital of my home state, to get away from my environment and hopefully find closure somehow.

Unfortunately, being there only made me feel much worse at first, although things started looking up on the 8th of July, thanks in part to three friends who were so determined to help me make the most of my stay there.

The following day, Sunday, was the highlight of my stay in Owerri. It was the first time I would attend church in two or maybe three weeks, and the sermon really was timely and healing, among other things.

As the next day (the 10th of July) was my last day in Owerri, I decided to commemorate it by having one of the three friends I mentioned earlier interview me on camera to preserve my memories of, well, everything.

During our interview, this friend asked me five reflective questions, but the one that stood out the most was what lesson I had learned from my sour experience.

If there’s one thing last month taught me, it’s that it pays greatly to put God first and patiently seek His will before making any decisions, especially life-defining or life-changing ones.

We may not always know with absolute certainty what God’s plans are for us in a specific context, and our plans for ourselves might often seem right, noble, and satisfying in our eyes, so much so that they may seem like they’re God’s plans for us.

Nonetheless, it pays to always seek God’s will in prayers before making any decision.

I have learned, in one of the most devastating ways possible, that whenever we deviate from God’s script, whether out of pride, ignorance, or defiance, we may not be able to deal with the resulting plot twists.

And while this is a lesson surely learned, it is, sadly, a wound I haven’t completely healed from, although those closest to me say I’m handling things pretty well so far.

Maybe I am; then again, maybe I’m not. It’s often hard to tell these days.

I returned to Lagos on the 11th of July and was welcomed with new challenges that my family was kind enough not to mention while I was still “figuring things out” in Owerri.

Since then, my mental health has been running on the reserves of my God-given peace, and I often worry that these reserves are depleting faster than they are being refilled.

Sometimes, I worry that I might be slowly becoming indifferent to things I should be passionate about and causes or needs I should be compassionate toward.

For the longest time, I told myself I wouldn’t write another newsletter until I was back to my old self again. But I don’t know when that will happen, which is one of the two reasons I decided to resume writing this newsletter.

The other reason is that when I look past my pain, numbness, and exhaustion, I can see that God is still here with me.

I can see how He’s comforting me, teaching me, guiding me, and helping me feel again. And even though I mostly complain about how I’m tired of the lessons and how much my soul desires rest, I still want to submit to this process and whichever way God wants to use it to shape my character.

I still want to share everything I have learned and will keep learning here, in this newsletter, no matter how painful the lessons are.

And, I promise, they are painful.

So, am I back to my old, happy, cheery self?

Sadly, no.

But I’m back to writing this newsletter, and by God’s grace, I’ll see this process through to the end, heal, and regain the joy of my salvation.

In the meantime, I would appreciate your prayers if it’s not too much to ask.

For what it’s worth, it does feel good to be back.

I hope today has only treated you kindly.

Guess I’ll see you next Wednesday, then.

Love,

Obinna

A Few Things That Blessed Me This Week

• “Finding Your Way Back: Jackie Hill Perry on Overcoming Spiritual Struggles.” You can watch the sermon on YouTube.

• “Beautiful” by United Pursuit. Listen on YouTube Music or Spotify.

• “Since Your Love” by United Pursuit ft. Brandon Hampton. Listen on YouTube Music or Spotify.

• “Fragile Heart” by Leanna Crawford. Listen on YouTube Music or Spotify.

• “Need You More” by Will Reagan, Brock Human, and United Pursuit. Listen on YouTube Music or Spotify.

• “Take Emptiness Away” by United Pursuit. Listen on YouTube Music or Spotify.

• “Love” by United Pursuit. Listen on YouTube Music or Spotify.

• “Seasons Change” by United Pursuit ft. Michael Ketterer. Listen on YouTube Music or Spotify.